The Lonely Life Of A Separatee (Part 5)

It’s been some months since I last wrote in here. During this time, I have had many downs, a few ups and a lot of anger, hatred, breakdowns and getting-ups.

It’s been a roller-coaster of a ride to this date and I’m so very tired! I lost 3 much loved pets in the space of 12 days, he went abroad, came back down and somewhere in the middle wanted to come back to me, but because I asked a rather simple question, backed out and is continuing to hold it against me. All 4 of my remaining dogs fell gravely ill and required constant vet visits and care for more than 6 weeks. I started cycling, giving the bug to a few of my friends and now we go on regular bike rides. I started meditation with that same group of people, and I’m hoping it will help me. All this while still going to work and taking care of my usual responsibilities.

To say I was drained is the understatement of the year! And you know the worst blow yet? Me filing for divorce. Yes. It is decided. I have had enough of the torture and he isn’t interested in fixing us.

So I’m done.

The Lonely Life Of A Separatee (Part 4)

I’m having a bad few days… All after I saw him… It’s a mess… I’m torn between missing him, loving Him, and cursing his very existence! How do you deal with such contradictory emotions??

I wish I could make him understand how I’m feeling and I wish I could make him understand why I am how I am!

I knew we weren’t happy, but I thought we could get through it… I thought we were doing ok… I mean, every marriage goes through such phases, right??

Would I have left him for real? No! Because at the end of the day, he is my life! I thought he felt the same way about me too… I was wrong… That’s why he left me, right? I thought we had the same idea where marriage was concerned… I thought we both believed in making the best out of a situation… Yes it was bad, but I believed we could get through it… I really truly believed it! Oh what a fool I was! What a blithering idiot I was! Still am! Because on days like these, I’d still much rather believe we can work because we were so good together. I don’t want to admit that we are dead because I refuse to believe it! Is that me being naive? I don’t know… I don’t know what works anymore… I don’t know what to believe in anymore… What to expect anymore… I have lost faith it seems… I try to keep it going but it’s like a candle flame in a wind – on the brink of being extinguished…

I don’t want this lonely life! I want to feel I am a part of a family again! I want to be loved again! I want to wake up next to him again! I want him in my life again! I want my love back again!

I want him.

Everything Reminds Me Of You…

There is a thunder storm outside and it reminds me of the first time I got over my fear of lightning and thunder. I was in bed and you were next to me and I could see lightning bolts lighting up the night sky through our bedroom windows when suddenly I got this daft idea – to try and catch a lightning bolt with my 2MP phone camera!

I was suddenly unafraid as I obsessed with trying to photograph a lightning bolt! That elusive bolt! And it wasn’t until after the storm had passed that it occurred to me what a momentous occasion this was!

This night is not so different from that night… Tonight too I’m surrounded by frightened cats and dogs as we were then. Tonight too the sky thunders with such deafening boom, just like that night… Tonight though is different because I don’t have you beside me. I miss you so much! I hate what has happened and I hate how every single thing in my life reminds me of you!

I wake up and I’m reminded of you because you’re not there beside me… I go to the bathroom and I’m reminded of you because your toothbrush isn’t there next to mine… I go to the kitchen and I see the bottle of instant coffee and I’m reminded of you… I go to brush my hair and I’m reminded of you because I no longer can smell your cologne hanging in the air… I go into the city and I’m reminded of you every time I pass someplace you and I have been to, which is almost everywhere… I miss the sound of you clearing your throat… I miss hearing your footsteps in the house… I miss you right now because your reassuring presence isn’t here to make me feel safe in this thundering bellowing storm… God I miss you so much! I write this because I can’t tell you! I write this because I feel as if I’m being crushed and can’t breathe! I write here because I can’t tell you… Not anymore… The damage is done… It is too late because I think now you hate me… Even though I wish that could all be changed… I wish the rain that’s washing my windows, could wash our marriage and our relationship clean too…

I wish everything didn’t remind me of you… Even a simple thunderstorm…

The Lonely Life Of A Separatee (Part 2)

So the day of his leaving came and went… Tonight’s my 2nd night alone. It is a very lonely feeling coming home to an empty house.

It’s not the same as coming home to an empty house simply because he hasn’t come home yet or is away on a business trip or whatever. My friends keep advising me to keep myself occupied and to watch movies or read a book or something like that. To go out and meet friends. Just basically have a life! And these are all things that have helped them get over breakups. BUT the difference here is I’m still living in OUR house and I have no-one else to keep me company… I think I would go mad if not for the animals! They never had to go home to empty houses. They all had the luxury of having human contact…. Our culture is such that we live with our parents until we get married. And even if the marriage fails, the women often have the option of going home to be with the parents. It’s something that I’m not lucky to have.

So, yeah, no human contact. It’s extremely lonely… I used to think that I would relish being on my own. But boy was I wrong! Maybe it’s this house with all its memories… So I’m hoping that when I move into my own place, my emotional state will improve. I have to believe that! And can I tell you a secret? I secretly hope that this separation will not be permanent. I hope against all hope that he will come back…

Am I being utterly stupid and naive?