Polyamory

My biggest complain during my marriage was that he expected me to fulfill multiple roles. Not just be his wife, but to be his mother, his friend, his confidant, his advisor, his therapist, his carer, his housekeeper. And if I failed in one or more of those roles in my capacity as his wife, then he would go in search of a replacement to fulfill them, claiming that he felt I no longer loved him and that he too was feeling less and less love towards me. This was his excuse for cheating on me. 

Recently I came across the concept of polyamory and I have found myself lately thinking about that and wondering if that would have worked for me and my marriage. Now in hindsight, I believe that the breakdown of my marriage was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, and that it was inevitable, polyamorous or not. 

But first, let me clarify the word “polyamory”. It’s meaning is literally, many loves. It is being in multiple relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. There is no cheating. In fact, a polyamorous relationship requires complete and utter honesty. It is the complete opposite to a cheating relationship. 

Now this appeals to me. For one thing, it speaks to my personal opinion that one person cannot fulfill multiple roles. Therefore, if my partner were to be open about it and tell me that he or she would like to date someone else, I would be ok about it. I believe I would lay down some ground rules like giving me an early warning, at least in the early days. I would like to get to know the other person. It would be difficult for me to endorse a relationship with someone that I don’t get along with. 

The partners in the primary couple must get priority. That would be rule #2. Never let your primary partner feel inadequate. Make him or her feel loved at all times. The most basic reason for jealousy is feeling inadequate. Don’t let that green eyed monster get in between you two. 

I personally would like to explore this more. I feel my personality is more suited for this. At least who I am, right now. 

I read somewhere, if we are able to love multiple friends, and not be judged for it, then why can’t we love multiple people, be in deep and meaningful emotional and sexual relationships with them and not be judged? 

Polyamorous relationships challenge us to be more aware of our own personal tickings. If one is to enjoy the full scope of being a polyamorist, one has to be willing to analyze oneself and understand what makes you jealous, what hurts you, and it challenges one to be honest and open about one’s feelings. Isn’t that a good enough thing in itself? 

My goal is to be comfortable with who I am. If I find myself leaving mainstream thinking and leaning towards this rather bohemian way of living and loving, I’m most certainly going to explore it. For me, being a polyamorist means that you are free. And if you are a possessive person, then this would definitely not be for you. Unless you want to work to correct that about yourself. My ex husband was possessive. Was jealous. And worst of all, he had a very short attention span and a short capacity to love and be tolerant of my shortcomings. These character flaws he dared not address. He believed himself to be perfect and therefore not in need of self improvement. A person like that would be the worst kind of partner to have in a polyamorous relationship. This is why I believe, our marriage still would have ended up on the rocks even if we were in such a relationship. 

Don’t judge this post. Don’t judge me. Instead, think about this. Really think about it. See if it fits you. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too! Not everyone can agree with this out-of-the-box thinking.

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Requiem for a lost soul

How is it that you can have your dreams and hopes shattered into a million pierces within a matter of moments?? 

For months, I have been happy in the knowledge that I’m free of the usual heartache issues like broken relationships and broken hearts. However, now, I find myself heartbroken because I am about to lose my home….

In my humble opinion, I feel there is nothing more heartbreaking than losing something as stable as a home. Relationships are (at their best) volatile. They are completely and utterly dependent on the other. Not you. But the other. Therefore, under these circumstances, isn’t it more pragmatic to hold a requiem in honour of all our lost or dead hopes, rather than the loss of a life? 

We may pay tribute to a lost life, but who is going to pay tribute to the lost soul? 

Pets and kids

Back when I was married, my husband and I used to foster stray puppies that were rescued off the dangerous streets. We fostered nearly 30 dogs and while most of them died due to tick fever or parvo, the rest remained with us.

Why did they remain with us? It was because we were extremely strict about the conditions they would be in, in their forever homes. Most people didn’t think like us, or even if they did, didn’t have the conditions we were looking for. As a result, we rejected all the potentials and they remained with us as our kids. 

What many people don’t realize is how attached we become to our charges. Just like with kids, we feed them, bathe them, nurture them, watch over them through sleepless nights when they’re sick… Anyone who has ever had a pet, would know what I’m talking about. Unfortunately that’s just a handful of them who behave and think like us. 

Recently, I brought home a pup who was not being looked after properly. The ‘owner’ was obviously feeding him and bathing him, but was not giving him the security a puppy needs when living near a major city road. This pup spent most of his time on the road or inside our office. He’s a happy puppy. A loving puppy. And through sheer fear I brought him home and he bonded with my other babies. Now the ‘owner’ is asking for him and today I have to take him back. There is no doubt that he loves the little fellow, but what good is love if you can’t also provide fully? If it was a child, would he allow that child to play on the road unsupervised? No, I most certainly don’t think so. He is asking for him back because he’s sick in the heart without him, but what if something happens to him? 

Unfortunately I can’t keep him when they are asking for him. So please send out all positive vibrations towards this innocent little guy and pray that he will stay in good health and be safe always, and that he will always be the happy doggy that he is sure to grow into…

And on a final note, there is no difference between a pet and a child. They too need love and kisses and cuddles (lots and lots of cuddles) just like a human child. Just because they don’t speak in the same language as us does not mean that they are not beings. In my opinion, animals show more humanity than humans. Just think of a pet as a kid who speaks another language and who has a lot of love to give. My gardener made a comment yesterday. He said, “Would a human come to us and show us love if we disciplined them? Or hit them? No.” Very true. 

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Feeling Low

Saw him after nearly one and a half months, and seeing him kind of destroyed my resolve to get over him… At first, I was OK. But as the evening wore on, I began to realize just how not true that resolve was. How inaccurate my brain signals were. My heart had not yet caught on.

One of the hardest things a person has to do is to love and not be loved in return. A friend of mine recently shared a rather interesting perspective on love. She said, what we call love is really a matching of needs. Is that true? It made me think. But I can’t really buy into it. For example, at the moment I need an iron. But I’m not in any discomfort, nor am I feeling low because I don’t have it. If this were true, if love was simply a matching of needs, then shouldn’t this theory apply to even material objects? I don’t see how it can be applied, unless of course you are a very materialistic person. Is that why I can’t seem to wrap my head around it? I mean her argument was convincing, and her points made logical sense, but if I were to be the example, I need him and want him, but it isn’t matched.

I finally told him how I really feel about him. I told him how I have been in love with him for quite some time now, and the reaction, though straightforward and honest, was heartbreaking nevertheless. I always knew he didn’t feel the same way towards me, but I still felt the need to tell him, because I kept getting what I thought were mixed signals, and I felt it was better to tell him because I was also starting to act in a way that I thought was a bit nutty. Well I was afraid he’d misread my actions and behavior and think I was nuts. When I’m not. I’m only nuts in as far as loving someone who doesn’t love me back in the same way. But that’s a different kind of mental disorder!

I mean seriously!!! Who in their right mind does this to themselves??? And why in God’s name can’t I fix it??? Why did I go and fall in love with the one perfect man, whose one imperfection is that he doesn’t feel the same Way?? I just want to shoot myself!!

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Am I Too Old Fashioned?

It’s been more than a decade since I was in the dating arena. And I call it arena for a reason. Because it’s a game. It’s a competition. But it IS A GAME. That’s what I have come to realize. At least in my Sri Lankan context. Men want fun. But at the end of the day, they want a virgin, a pure and untouched maiden to be their partner till death or divorce parts them.

And for me, that is quite a sad, no, quite a tragic view on love and relationships. How does one conquer this view when one is old fashioned at heart? Women can’t be fuck buddies. It’s scientifically proven that women bond through sex, or that women need a bond to have sex or make love. But it isn’t so with men, reason being the caveman attitude of sowing their seeds.

So how does one bridge this gap? By all rights, doesn’t logic dictate that all relationships are doomed? Simply because our individual DNA says so?

I guess what I’m asking is, WTF to I do? An old fashioned, once again single, not-quite-a-maiden?

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Mama’s Coming To Town

Since 2006 I’d say, I’ve been living away from my parents. And for the last 2 years, I’ve been living almost 90% of that time by myself.

As you know, I’ve been separated from my husband since beginning 2014 and it became absolutely concrete last year in January 2015. So, living alone, living my life on my own terms, at my own hours, has become the way I’ve come to enjoy and heal.

Now, although, that is about to change. In approximately a week, my mum will be moving across the way from me. Literally, she’ll be across the river from me, with a bird’s eye view of my place and my gate! As I’ve joked all along, there go my hora gaman or secret trips. No more late night impromptu clubbing, no more stumbling (literally) home drunk, no more coming home at 6am in time to go to work at 8.30am. Not to worry, these coming home at dawn trips are not walks of shame. Just the result of being out all night with friends. Yet, no more lying and no more hiding.

Then what about the friends coming home? I have certain friends that she hates and I have had to hide those friendships from her because she tends to make life absolutely miserable for me when she knows they’re coming home. So, with her being able to see directly at my gate, there goes my peace!

Simply, I just want to be left alone. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be allowed to live my life the way I see fit. I still fulfill my responsibilities, I still am a dutiful daughter who caters to all her needs and fancies. So, why not just allow me to be who I am, and just let me be, as a kind of repayment for my good behaviour??

Aiyo….. Triple sigh!

Mature Heart

I am certain my heart has matured. It has matured enough to start loving me. But more importantly, it has matured enough to recognize and love a good, kind, honest, decent man. My heart is now capable of weeding out the undesirables and honing in on someone who is worthy of my heart.

Of course, problem is, when that person doesn’t respond in kind… Doesn’t feel the same way about you, as you do for him. Problem is when they start seeing you as a sister…

But at the very least, I have consolation in the fact that my heart has matured; that it has in fact learnt a very important lesson from my broken marriage. Don’t you think….?

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Unrequited Love

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Have you ever met someone with whom you feel this instant connection? As if you’ve known him / her forever? Maybe even in past lives? That is, if you believe in reincarnation… But, have you? Do you know what I’m talking about?

I’m in love. There, I said it. I’m in love. I am in love! I have been fooling myself for quite some time now. I had the usual symptoms. Whenever he messaged or called how my heart would leap! Whenever I heard his vehicle pull up to the house how my mouth would go dry, my heart beat faster and the butterflies in my stomach would start a hurricane! I kept telling myself that it was infatuation and that it would pass. But as time wore on I realized that this wasn’t infatuation and that I actually liked him. So, I did something that was really out of character for me. I told him that I liked him! We’re friends, good friends, and my biggest fear was that I would lose him if I told him how I really felt about him. So I stayed quiet, but realized as time wore on, that the secret was tearing me up inside… So I told him and we’re still friends. Good friends. And he wasn’t exactly discouraging either…. He went on to say a few positive things, and rounded it off by saying, “Let’s see where this takes us”.

It’s been great. I was able to breathe easier after I told him. Our friendship hasn’t been affected in any bad way. But we’re still friends. And that’s what I wanted. I didn’t want to lose his friendship.

But now I’ve gone and fallen in love. And I get the feeling that he still hasn’t given up either… But he has other things in his life he needs to concentrate on. He too is right out of a bad marriage and divorce. He too needs to spread his wings and sort out his life. And in all honesty, a girlfriend is probably the last thing he wants… And the fact that I went and fell in love isn’t really his problem now is it… But there you have it.

He is a wonderful man! Quite easily the best man I have ever had the privilege of coming across! I’m not sure he feels that way about me but then again, do guys ever really think that deeply? I don’t know… I’m just putting that question out there…. But he is the first thought I have when I wake up, and he is the last thought I have before I fall asleep…. I have fallen hard, and it is, in it’s own way, painful, because, right now, it is unrequited love….

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1st Solo Trip

In celebration of my impending divorce, I decided to go on a solo day trip. Sri Lanka has so many beautiful places to see, so many hidden gems that only a few have seen, I am determined to explore as much as I can, of this beautiful island of ours!

One place I’ve always wanted to go to is “Yapahuwa”. In historical times, Yapahuwa was home to the kingdom’s capital. One of the capitals, anyway! The most popular, most visited, and most archaeologically rich sites are Anuradhapura and Polonnaruwa. But Yapahuwa is truly a hidden gem! It doesn’t receive many visitors and I suppose, it’s a good thing in a way. As a result, it is not commercialised, there are no hawkers to avoid, and the peace and tranquillity of the place is preserved.

Yapahuwa Lion Staircase

Yapahuwa Lion Staircase

This is the archaeological remnant I fell in love with, that made me want to go here for the longest time!

I left home at 8AM when I should have left at 4AM! Reason? Was drinking with friends and obviously was too drunk to wake up on time! Lol! So, left at 8AM, and I took a sub route through Giriulla – Kurunegala – Padeniya – Maho – Yapahuwa, which is roughly about 150-160KM. On the way, I passed a board that said, “To Deduru Oya Reservoir”. So I did a U-Turn and went inland about 8-10 KMs.

There are boards that direct you all the way up to the reservoir. The drive is along this narrow tarred-in-places-not-in-others road that’s deserted 90% of the time. At the end of the road, the road ascends on to the bund and the sight that welcomes you, is simply breathtaking!

Deduru Oya

Deduru Oya Reservoir

Deduru Oya Reservoir

Deduru Oya Reservoir

Delays in leaving Colombo and detours along the way notwithstanding, I was able to reach Yapahuwa by about 12.30. My advice – leave earlier! It’s difficult climbing up the stone steps in the heat. But the heat, the humidity and the hot steps are definitely worth the view you’re greeted with once you’re at the top! Loved it!

Yapahuwa - View from the top

Yapahuwa – View from the top

To give you some perspective, this is what the steps look like.

Yapahuwa 1

I actually stood at the foot of the steps, looking up, trying to muster the courage to take them steps on, in the heat! By now you must have realised, I REALLY HATE THE HEAT.

So some final tips:

  1. Leave early! Journey should take you about 3 hours, but leave room for stopping for tea or a cool drink somewhere obscure, or even to have a smoke and stretch the feet. So aim to reach Yapahuwa between 9 & 10 for maximum climbing comfort.
  2. You can spend anything between 2-5 hours there depending on the size of your group, and how much walking around you do. Hence why I suggest you leave early and reach there early to be able to walk around the grounds.
  3. Take your own food and water as there are no food stalls and other touristy spots to go to for refreshments.
  4. This is an active Temple, so take care to cover your arms and legs. I suggest long pants for women instead of wraparounds and skirts as it’s difficult climbing up while hitching up your skirt. Trust me! Lol

For the return journey, I chose to take another route. Maho – Nikeweratiya – Pahala Mawathagama – Andigama – Pallama – Bangadeniya – Chilaw – Negombo – Colombo. I was back in Colombo before sunset that day!

All in all, I drove a total of about 360KM, for a total of about 9 hours. And I had a hangover to boot! 😀

It’s an experience I’d recommend to ANYONE! Safe to say, I’m addicted. I’m definitely going to be doing this again.

For more pics, go to https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10153843672210021.1073741838.596840020&type=1&l=e5661721bb

NEXT STOP: Kuragala

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