Midnight Musings

I was doing a birthday banner for a close friend of mine who is turning 40 in 2 days. Naughty 40s and all, right? Suddenly, it dawned on me, goodness gracious me, that’s going to be me in 6 years!

I think I have mentioned before how my life truly began at 30. My 20s were chaos in a nutshell. Marriage, not finishing my higher education, perpetual financial problems, the list goes on! Unfortunately that list does not include much positivity.

Hence why I say my life truly began at 30. With the end of my marriage, suddenly new doors opened. I made new friends, was able to solidify my old friendships, was able to attain a certain level of financial independence and stability, was able to dare to dream, had some of them come true and in short, dare I say, just live more!

With me realising just how close I am to the big Four – O, suddenly I don’t want to get to that age! I feel I haven’t done enough before hitting that milestone! Can I press pause on my aging button?? I know it’s only a number and is not a reflection of me personally. But shit! I want to live more! Do more!

I don’t want kids. That I’m certain of. I never was a very maternal person. I’m more the fun and cool aunty. At least that’s how I like to see myself! Hahaha! But kids aside, I still want more. I want to be financially stable, I want to have my home completed so that I never have to worry about where I’m going to be living when I do reach my winter years. I want to travel more! Much much more! My God! I want to see the world!

I also want to love again.

My cousin always says, if you want something badly, just put that into an intention, and release it into the universe. It will gather momentum, and will come plummeting back to you.

It’s true what he says! I’ve always wanted to travel and I am working towards realising that, one destination at a time. Of course it goes without saying that if you want something bad enough, you need to also work for it, especially those things you want that you can control. Love is something that is not. But travel? Hell yes! See, if you want to travel, you need to do the basics like get a passport, save money. Those are all things that are within your control.

When you have the basics down pat, the opportunities will come a knocking, and when they do, you are better prepared to grab them.

So right here, right now, I am making a pledge to myself. I am going to work on the things that I can control, like my dream of a home and travel.

As for love, well, I am going to be as open minded as I can, and not fret too much about it. I want love. I want to love. I want to be loved. God knows that. The universe knows it too. They will combine forces to make that happen for me, when I’m ready. I think they will know when I am. Till then, I shall try to move forward as best as I can.

I have this feeling that great things are coming for me. Beautiful, wonderful, great things are in store for me. I just need to be ready for them.

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Life, Love & Loss – A Day Of Remembrance

It is Poya here today in Sri Lanka, a full moon day celebrated by Buddhists. It is 7.13am and I am sitting in my garden listening to chants from the nearby temple, peppered with the sound of birdsong. It is strangely relaxing.

It is also making me reminisce.

The chair I sit on is a garden chair I bought a lifetime ago, back when I was married and making a home with my now ex-husband.

I am sitting in front of a hydrangea plant I planted 12 days ago in the grave where I had to bury one of my babies – my cat Grey.

I have had so much loss in the last few years. I have had new beginnings, new experiences too. But for some reason, with the passing of my beloved Grey, I have been doing nothing but focusing on the losses and the sort of dead pan life I seem to have led myself into.

It is a lonely existence. The hardships, the losses, and even the good times, all I have had to shoulder on my own. No one to share anything with. Especially during the hard times and days and sometimes months, it is all done alone, and these past two weeks have been spent wondering, what am I doing with my life and what is the point of this lonely existence.

A friend of mine recently told me that relationships are for the insecure. I strongly disagree. Not everyone who yearns for one is insecure. Sometimes we are just tired. Nay! Exhausted!

I am blessed. I know this. Yet I am finding it hard to reconcile my head and my heart. My head says, be thankful. My heart says, enough of this. I can be content with my own company and that’s the truth! Most days I am on my own. It just becomes very difficult when hardship or tragedy strikes. Having to be level headed and practical when all you want to do is scream in anguish… Somehow it just doesn’t feel natural. And yet, that is exactly what I have to do, to keep on living, to keep on going.

This is when the questioning begins.

Isn’t it ironic that we forget God, faith, loneliness and sadness when everything is going well and life is good? I do. I also know I am guilty of it as well. Aren’t we all? I hope most of us are… I do not want to be alone in yet another aspect of my life and character.

Which brings me back to my original question… What is the point of living this life?

What the FUCK is going on?

So…. I met someone. I have literally known him for all of 4 days. 4 DAYS. But it feels like I have known him all my life and then some. Anticipating each others’ moves, their next sentence, completing their current sentence… This is all just normalcy between us. And we did not set eyes on each other till 4 days ago. What the actual FUCK is going on?

I am a firm believer in the theory of the afterlife. And, since I do have memories of a past life of my own, I am obviously a believer. But this is quite literally the 2nd time in my life that I am meeting someone, and ended up feeling like I have known them more than just this lifetime. I kid you not!

But as always, the Universe also throws a massive curveball. Distance is one curveball, but it isn’t the biggest. The main curveball is just circumstances. It is not a simple decision of just uprooting one’s life. It is far more complicated than that. Sadly.

So my question then is this. What do you do in such a situation?

In this modern day and age of connectivity and global village theory, distance is not as unbearable as it used to be once upon a time. But circumstances will always be the spoke in the wheel.

I am suddenly inspired to use a lot of expletives (in private of course)!

At the same time, I have been seeing a lot of travel related posts on Scotland, so I think I’m going to see how feasible it is for a poor Sri Lankan like myself, to go to Scotland for a visit, to maybe just Edinburgh.

As you may not know, I believe in travelling the world, one city at a time.

Istanbul – My Love… 

For 9 amazing days in December of 2017, I was in the beautiful city of Istanbul. I fell in love as soon as I stepped out of the airport and saw the beginnings of Istanbul. Beginnings as in the first sights that a visitor sees as he or she sets out from the arrivals section of the airport.

The people are amazing! Warm, kind, helpful, always ready with a smile and curious about a brown skinned woman like me, often mistaking me for an Indian! And I love it how they pretend that they know where Sri Lanka is! It is very cute! And when I laugh and ask do they really know where my little island is, they sheepishly smile and say no. The people I met are not proud to admit when they don’t know something. They also aren’t afraid or ashamed to be themselves, which is truly refreshing in this new age of pretense. 

The food was out of this world! There is not a single thing that I had the honour of eating, that I disliked, let alone hated! A true gastronomic journey it was.

Istanbulites also are the epitome of showing kindness to animals! As an animal lover, I can’t think of a more tolerant and patient community and I can’t help myself when I wish my own country was more like that. Known as the City of Cats, the people of Istanbul go above and beyond the call of humanity when it comes to taking care of the street cats and dogs! I hope that that never changes! Istanbul is a city and its people are a people that can be a glowing example in how to be kind, not just to one’s fellow kind, but also to those creatures that are considered animal. It takes a special kind of culture and humanity to understand that all creatures are God’s creatures, and that they deserve kindness and patience and dignity… 

And the city itself! Oh my word! The architecture, the intricacies, the narrow uphill or downhill side roads and the streets lined with shops and cafes and the busy city squares with all the hustle and bustle of a truly metropolitan city that has also managed to save its warm welcoming sense… That to me was the most beautiful experience I could have ever wished or hoped for! Istanbul is a city that drives you mad with desire! A desire to live there every single day of your life! Istanbul welcomed me with open arms, and I had to pry myself away from her warm welcoming embrace. She made me daydream about what I would do if I moved there. Made me daydream of my own life and what it would be like if I were to uproot and just move! I have never visited a place that has felt more home to me than my own home! Imagine not feeling homesick! Imagine that! Well, that is exactly what happened to me. Istanbul is my siren call…

I have never felt safer! Even in my own home town, I try to get home as early as possible, and if I am venturing out afterwards, I do so in a vehicle. I would never dream of stepping out for a nightly walk no matter how much I would wish for it! Oh no! Never! So just imagine feeling safer in a foreign land than in your own land of birth? Isn’t that truly sad?? 

Yes, there are the areas that are not as safe as others, and yes they do have the same social problems that all other countries and cities have, but for this female traveller, who can’t even speak the same language, I never felt alone or isolated or unsafe. Never! 

Oh Istanbul my Love! I want to come back to your homely embrace! I want to come back home… 

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My biggest complain during my marriage was that he expected me to fulfill multiple roles. Not just be his wife, but to be his mother, his friend, his confidant, his advisor, his therapist, his carer, his housekeeper. And if I failed in one or more of those roles in my capacity as his wife, then he would go in search of a replacement to fulfill them, claiming that he felt I no longer loved him and that he too was feeling less and less love towards me. This was his excuse for cheating on me. 

Recently I came across the concept of polyamory and I have found myself lately thinking about that and wondering if that would have worked for me and my marriage. Now in hindsight, I believe that the breakdown of my marriage was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, and that it was inevitable, polyamorous or not. 

But first, let me clarify the word “polyamory”. It’s meaning is literally, many loves. It is being in multiple relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. There is no cheating. In fact, a polyamorous relationship requires complete and utter honesty. It is the complete opposite to a cheating relationship. 

Now this appeals to me. For one thing, it speaks to my personal opinion that one person cannot fulfill multiple roles. Therefore, if my partner were to be open about it and tell me that he or she would like to date someone else, I would be ok about it. I believe I would lay down some ground rules like giving me an early warning, at least in the early days. I would like to get to know the other person. It would be difficult for me to endorse a relationship with someone that I don’t get along with. 

The partners in the primary couple must get priority. That would be rule #2. Never let your primary partner feel inadequate. Make him or her feel loved at all times. The most basic reason for jealousy is feeling inadequate. Don’t let that green eyed monster get in between you two. 

I personally would like to explore this more. I feel my personality is more suited for this. At least who I am, right now. 

I read somewhere, if we are able to love multiple friends, and not be judged for it, then why can’t we love multiple people, be in deep and meaningful emotional and sexual relationships with them and not be judged? 

Polyamorous relationships challenge us to be more aware of our own personal tickings. If one is to enjoy the full scope of being a polyamorist, one has to be willing to analyze oneself and understand what makes you jealous, what hurts you, and it challenges one to be honest and open about one’s feelings. Isn’t that a good enough thing in itself? 

My goal is to be comfortable with who I am. If I find myself leaving mainstream thinking and leaning towards this rather bohemian way of living and loving, I’m most certainly going to explore it. For me, being a polyamorist means that you are free. And if you are a possessive person, then this would definitely not be for you. Unless you want to work to correct that about yourself. My ex husband was possessive. Was jealous. And worst of all, he had a very short attention span and a short capacity to love and be tolerant of my shortcomings. These character flaws he dared not address. He believed himself to be perfect and therefore not in need of self improvement. A person like that would be the worst kind of partner to have in a polyamorous relationship. This is why I believe, our marriage still would have ended up on the rocks even if we were in such a relationship. 

Don’t judge this post. Don’t judge me. Instead, think about this. Really think about it. See if it fits you. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too! Not everyone can agree with this out-of-the-box thinking.

Requiem for a lost soul

How is it that you can have your dreams and hopes shattered into a million pieces within a matter of moments?? 

For months, I have been happy in the knowledge that I’m free of the usual heartache issues like broken relationships and broken hearts. However, now, I find myself heartbroken because I am about to lose my home….

In my humble opinion, I feel there is nothing more heartbreaking than losing something as stable as a home. Relationships are (at their best) volatile. They are completely and utterly dependent on the other. Not you. But the other. Therefore, under these circumstances, isn’t it more pragmatic to hold a requiem in honour of all our lost or dead hopes, rather than the loss of a life? 

We may pay tribute to a lost life, but who is going to pay tribute to the lost soul? 

Pets and kids

Back when I was married, my husband and I used to foster stray puppies that were rescued off the dangerous streets. We fostered nearly 30 dogs and while most of them died due to tick fever or parvo, the rest remained with us.

Why did they remain with us? It was because we were extremely strict about the conditions they would be in, in their forever homes. Most people didn’t think like us, or even if they did, didn’t have the conditions we were looking for. As a result, we rejected all the potentials and they remained with us as our kids. 

What many people don’t realize is how attached we become to our charges. Just like with kids, we feed them, bathe them, nurture them, watch over them through sleepless nights when they’re sick… Anyone who has ever had a pet, would know what I’m talking about. Unfortunately that’s just a handful of them who behave and think like us. 

Recently, I brought home a pup who was not being looked after properly. The ‘owner’ was obviously feeding him and bathing him, but was not giving him the security a puppy needs when living near a major city road. This pup spent most of his time on the road or inside our office. He’s a happy puppy. A loving puppy. And through sheer fear I brought him home and he bonded with my other babies. Now the ‘owner’ is asking for him and today I have to take him back. There is no doubt that he loves the little fellow, but what good is love if you can’t also provide fully? If it was a child, would he allow that child to play on the road unsupervised? No, I most certainly don’t think so. He is asking for him back because he’s sick in the heart without him, but what if something happens to him? 

Unfortunately I can’t keep him when they are asking for him. So please send out all positive vibrations towards this innocent little guy and pray that he will stay in good health and be safe always, and that he will always be the happy doggy that he is sure to grow into…

And on a final note, there is no difference between a pet and a child. They too need love and kisses and cuddles (lots and lots of cuddles) just like a human child. Just because they don’t speak in the same language as us does not mean that they are not beings. In my opinion, animals show more humanity than humans. Just think of a pet as a kid who speaks another language and who has a lot of love to give. My gardener made a comment yesterday. He said, “Would a human come to us and show us love if we disciplined them? Or hit them? No.” Very true. 

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Feeling Low

Saw him after nearly one and a half months, and seeing him kind of destroyed my resolve to get over him… At first, I was OK. But as the evening wore on, I began to realize just how not true that resolve was. How inaccurate my brain signals were. My heart had not yet caught on.

One of the hardest things a person has to do is to love and not be loved in return. A friend of mine recently shared a rather interesting perspective on love. She said, what we call love is really a matching of needs. Is that true? It made me think. But I can’t really buy into it. For example, at the moment I need an iron. But I’m not in any discomfort, nor am I feeling low because I don’t have it. If this were true, if love was simply a matching of needs, then shouldn’t this theory apply to even material objects? I don’t see how it can be applied, unless of course you are a very materialistic person. Is that why I can’t seem to wrap my head around it? I mean her argument was convincing, and her points made logical sense, but if I were to be the example, I need him and want him, but it isn’t matched.

I finally told him how I really feel about him. I told him how I have been in love with him for quite some time now, and the reaction, though straightforward and honest, was heartbreaking nevertheless. I always knew he didn’t feel the same way towards me, but I still felt the need to tell him, because I kept getting what I thought were mixed signals, and I felt it was better to tell him because I was also starting to act in a way that I thought was a bit nutty. Well I was afraid he’d misread my actions and behavior and think I was nuts. When I’m not. I’m only nuts in as far as loving someone who doesn’t love me back in the same way. But that’s a different kind of mental disorder!

I mean seriously!!! Who in their right mind does this to themselves??? And why in God’s name can’t I fix it??? Why did I go and fall in love with the one perfect man, whose one imperfection is that he doesn’t feel the same Way?? I just want to shoot myself!!

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Am I Too Old Fashioned?

It’s been more than a decade since I was in the dating arena. And I call it arena for a reason. Because it’s a game. It’s a competition. But it IS A GAME. That’s what I have come to realize. At least in my Sri Lankan context. Men want fun. But at the end of the day, they want a virgin, a pure and untouched maiden to be their partner till death or divorce parts them.

And for me, that is quite a sad, no, quite a tragic view on love and relationships. How does one conquer this view when one is old fashioned at heart? Women can’t be fuck buddies. It’s scientifically proven that women bond through sex, or that women need a bond to have sex or make love. But it isn’t so with men, reason being the caveman attitude of sowing their seeds.

So how does one bridge this gap? By all rights, doesn’t logic dictate that all relationships are doomed? Simply because our individual DNA says so?

I guess what I’m asking is, WTF to I do? An old fashioned, once again single, not-quite-a-maiden?

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Mama’s Coming To Town

Since 2006 I’d say, I’ve been living away from my parents. And for the last 2 years, I’ve been living almost 90% of that time by myself.

As you know, I’ve been separated from my husband since beginning 2014 and it became absolutely concrete last year in January 2015. So, living alone, living my life on my own terms, at my own hours, has become the way I’ve come to enjoy and heal.

Now, although, that is about to change. In approximately a week, my mum will be moving across the way from me. Literally, she’ll be across the river from me, with a bird’s eye view of my place and my gate! As I’ve joked all along, there go my hora gaman or secret trips. No more late night impromptu clubbing, no more stumbling (literally) home drunk, no more coming home at 6am in time to go to work at 8.30am. Not to worry, these coming home at dawn trips are not walks of shame. Just the result of being out all night with friends. Yet, no more lying and no more hiding.

Then what about the friends coming home? I have certain friends that she hates and I have had to hide those friendships from her because she tends to make life absolutely miserable for me when she knows they’re coming home. So, with her being able to see directly at my gate, there goes my peace!

Simply, I just want to be left alone. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be allowed to live my life the way I see fit. I still fulfill my responsibilities, I still am a dutiful daughter who caters to all her needs and fancies. So, why not just allow me to be who I am, and just let me be, as a kind of repayment for my good behaviour??

Aiyo….. Triple sigh!