It is Poya here today in Sri Lanka, a full moon day celebrated by Buddhists. It is 7.13am and I am sitting in my garden listening to chants from the nearby temple, peppered with the sound of birdsong. It is strangely relaxing.
It is also making me reminisce.
The chair I sit on is a garden chair I bought a lifetime ago, back when I was married and making a home with my now ex-husband.
I am sitting in front of a hydrangea plant I planted 12 days ago in the grave where I had to bury one of my babies – my cat Grey.
I have had so much loss in the last few years. I have had new beginnings, new experiences too. But for some reason, with the passing of my beloved Grey, I have been doing nothing but focusing on the losses and the sort of dead pan life I seem to have led myself into.
It is a lonely existence. The hardships, the losses, and even the good times, all I have had to shoulder on my own. No one to share anything with. Especially during the hard times and days and sometimes months, it is all done alone, and these past two weeks have been spent wondering, what am I doing with my life and what is the point of this lonely existence.
A friend of mine recently told me that relationships are for the insecure. I strongly disagree. Not everyone who yearns for one is insecure. Sometimes we are just tired. Nay! Exhausted!
I am blessed. I know this. Yet I am finding it hard to reconcile my head and my heart. My head says, be thankful. My heart says, enough of this. I can be content with my own company and that’s the truth! Most days I am on my own. It just becomes very difficult when hardship or tragedy strikes. Having to be level headed and practical when all you want to do is scream in anguish… Somehow it just doesn’t feel natural. And yet, that is exactly what I have to do, to keep on living, to keep on going.
This is when the questioning begins.
Isn’t it ironic that we forget God, faith, loneliness and sadness when everything is going well and life is good? I do. I also know I am guilty of it as well. Aren’t we all? I hope most of us are… I do not want to be alone in yet another aspect of my life and character.
Which brings me back to my original question… What is the point of living this life?