My biggest complain during my marriage was that he expected me to fulfill multiple roles. Not just be his wife, but to be his mother, his friend, his confidant, his advisor, his therapist, his carer, his housekeeper. And if I failed in one or more of those roles in my capacity as his wife, then he would go in search of a replacement to fulfill them, claiming that he felt I no longer loved him and that he too was feeling less and less love towards me. This was his excuse for cheating on me.
Recently I came across the concept of polyamory and I have found myself lately thinking about that and wondering if that would have worked for me and my marriage. Now in hindsight, I believe that the breakdown of my marriage was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, and that it was inevitable, polyamorous or not.
But first, let me clarify the word “polyamory”. It’s meaning is literally, many loves. It is being in multiple relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. There is no cheating. In fact, a polyamorous relationship requires complete and utter honesty. It is the complete opposite to a cheating relationship.
Now this appeals to me. For one thing, it speaks to my personal opinion that one person cannot fulfill multiple roles. Therefore, if my partner were to be open about it and tell me that he or she would like to date someone else, I would be ok about it. I believe I would lay down some ground rules like giving me an early warning, at least in the early days. I would like to get to know the other person. It would be difficult for me to endorse a relationship with someone that I don’t get along with.
The partners in the primary couple must get priority. That would be rule #2. Never let your primary partner feel inadequate. Make him or her feel loved at all times. The most basic reason for jealousy is feeling inadequate. Don’t let that green eyed monster get in between you two.
I personally would like to explore this more. I feel my personality is more suited for this. At least who I am, right now.
I read somewhere, if we are able to love multiple friends, and not be judged for it, then why can’t we love multiple people, be in deep and meaningful emotional and sexual relationships with them and not be judged?
Polyamorous relationships challenge us to be more aware of our own personal tickings. If one is to enjoy the full scope of being a polyamorist, one has to be willing to analyze oneself and understand what makes you jealous, what hurts you, and it challenges one to be honest and open about one’s feelings. Isn’t that a good enough thing in itself?
My goal is to be comfortable with who I am. If I find myself leaving mainstream thinking and leaning towards this rather bohemian way of living and loving, I’m most certainly going to explore it. For me, being a polyamorist means that you are free. And if you are a possessive person, then this would definitely not be for you. Unless you want to work to correct that about yourself. My ex husband was possessive. Was jealous. And worst of all, he had a very short attention span and a short capacity to love and be tolerant of my shortcomings. These character flaws he dared not address. He believed himself to be perfect and therefore not in need of self improvement. A person like that would be the worst kind of partner to have in a polyamorous relationship. This is why I believe, our marriage still would have ended up on the rocks even if we were in such a relationship.
Don’t judge this post. Don’t judge me. Instead, think about this. Really think about it. See if it fits you. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too! Not everyone can agree with this out-of-the-box thinking.